By The Editor
The Spanking News©
(Reposted from The Spanking News to allow for comments)
Many moons ago when The Spanking News was enjoying it’s first year of existence back in 2003, I can remember receiving lots of interesting emails from readers about all sorts of topics. Many would ask advice about which spanking paysite I would recommend, others would ask more obscure questions about spanking in professional wrestling, or the title of a mainstream movie that had a spanking scene in it.
Then there were the ones who would say they were having trouble meeting that special spanking someone, and asked where to find such people. Surely there must be some website where they all hang out, or a spanking personals site full of women just waiting for men to take them home and put them over their knee.
If you are simply looking for someone to spank, or be spanked yourself for that matter, there are personal sites that do exist, but if you are actually trying to find a woman for a long term relationship on one of these sites, you really need a lot of luck and patience.
The problem is most women don’t place personal ads looking for a spanking partner, and if you do happen to find one that does, you will be in competition with at least 50 other men for that same woman. It’s certainly an avenue to try however, but I wouldn’t place all your hope in such places and then give up if you don’t succeed, resolved to living your life as a vanilla. There is hope!
What about spanking parties? Shadowlane has one every year in Vegas, and there are smaller parties and get-togethers in many other major cities throughout the world. But what if there isn’t one in your area, or you go to one only to find mostly couples, or you don’t click with any of the single ladies. Do you sit and wait for the next party the following year? There has to be a better way.
So how does a single guy (or girl) find a partner for a long term relationship that includes spanking? Where are all these people hiding?
I’ll let you in on a little secret. They are not hiding. The fact is they are all around you and have always been!
How to find them will be the focus of this article.
First let me tell you a little about myself. I have had a fascination with spanking for as long as I can remember. Long before puberty and long before I would have ever considered it something even remotely sexual. I never knew why I had these feelings and desires, and I grew up like many of you did, feeling there was something wrong with me or worse, feeling I was alone and possibly the only person on this planet that had this fetish.. although back then I had no idea what a fetish was.
It wasn’t until I was in my early teens when I came across an adult book called, Forum published by the world famous Penthouse magazine, that I began to realized there were others out there like me. Although it was a little comforting to know I was not the only one with these desires, I still felt just as alone knowing there was no one I could talk to regarding this subject without the risk of mockery or someone thinking I was bat-shit crazy.
As I started to become attracted to the opposite sex, my eyes would always focus on her derriere. I considered it then as I do now, the most beautiful site to behold in the world. Not just the most beautiful body part, the most beautiful, period. I mean out of everything on this earth!
This is not to say I don’t appreciate a woman’s personality. In fact, personality is the most important thing to me when looking for a partner. If I don’t like a woman’s personality, she transforms into a witch before my very eyes. And if I love her personality, she transforms into a super model.
So why am I telling you all this? To make it clear that I don’t just have a slight interest in spanking. It’s part of my life and will always be. This is not a phase or something that could be “cured” with any amount of therapy. It’s who I am. And I am happy with who am am.
Needless to say when it comes to relationships, spanking is the one thing I must have. Without it I could never be truly happy. And why would I or anyone want to be in a relationship and not be happy.
Now some of you might be saying, “But how do you find a mate that enjoys spanking when studies have suggested that only a very small percentage of the population enjoy it? ”
Take those studies, surveys and polls and throw them in the garbage! Here’s why. Most people probably haven’t even tried it. So if someone is asked in a study or survey if they enjoy being spanked, and they have never tried it, they probably are not going to be putting an X in that box.
And on top of that, some might have had a bad experience or unpleasant memories of spanking from when they were a child. This does not automatically disqualify a person from being a potential partner, and I will give a few examples.
When I was a kid I hated vegetables. One of the only vegetables I liked as a kid were potatoes and that was pretty much it. So if I would have been asked in a survey which vegetables I liked, the list would have been very short. But now as an adult I like a very wide variety. Even vegetables that used to make me want to throw up, like onions, I now enjoy. The point I am trying to make is that our tastes change, and something that we might not have liked or even hated in the past, we now love today, or at least find tolerable. The same applies to spanking.
If presented properly to an adult it could turn into an enjoyable experience.
So please don’t think that when you go out looking for a spanking partner your chances will be very low in finding one, because they are not. If you believe ahead of time that you will fail, you will. This is very important.
Let’s move along and talk about how to meet, and most importantly how to keep that special spanking someone.
Now for this article I won’t go into the basics of dating and meeting people because I’m sure many of you are probably better at this then me. If not there are plenty of websites that cover this topic and can offer lots of tips. I will say however that if you have recently found yourself single, give yourself some time before jumping back on the dating bandwagon. You won’t be in the right state of mind to be making important emotional decisions.
OK so let’s say you are in the dating stage right now. Is there a specific personality trait to look for in a spanking partner?
In my opinion YES!
Before i go on, I just want to give a little history of the girls I have gone out with in the past. Out of the ten serious relationships I have had (lasting over a year), every single one of them were cool with spanking.
Sure it could be a coincidence, but I think choosing the right personality plays a huge role.
Here are a few examples of what to look for in a spanking partner:
She likes to have fun
Likes to try new and interesting things
Likes to laugh
A fan of comedies
Very open with communication
Doesn’t take herself too seriously
Has no problems expressing her feelings
Is comfortable with herself and her body
These are all “yes” signals when it comes to spanking. I am not saying that if you meet someone with one or all of these traits you are guaranteed the perfect spanking partner, but your chances are greatly improved in my opinion.
Now here are some things that might not be a good sign:
She is the serious type
Not very sociable
Not a fan of comedies
Not spontaneous, has to plan everything in advance
Not open to trying new things
Doesn’t openly communicate
Now again, having some of these traits does not mean there will be no spanking in this relationship, but they are negative signs and something to be aware of. Don’t write these people off just yet though, because there are still a few simple tests you can do, that we will talk about later, that will let us know if there is spanking future with this person.
So let’s say you’ve met someone and have been going out a number of times, and you can feel this is going to turn into a relationship. When do you bring up spanking? Well, if spanking is something you must have in a relationship, now would be a good time.
You don’t want to get heavily involved with a person and be going out for months, and then find out there is no possibility of it working out. That isn’t fair for either of you.
This may sound harsh to some, but think about it for a second. Many people do the same thing when in comes to being attracted to a person. You either are or your not, and it’s not something you can fake. Some will swear up and down they don’t judge a person on looks or other qualities, but most do.
For example a woman might like only tall men, or a dark complexion. Others might only like guys with a certain personality; like those who are funny, or the strong silent type. Whatever it may be, it is impossible to force yourself to like someone or be liked. You either fit what they are looking for in a partner or you don’t. Life is too short to spend it in relationships where you are not happy.
Finding out if a person might be open to spanking is tricky and should be approached with caution, but always try to use your best judgment. The main thing is to never make her feel uncomfortable, because that’s where you will run into trouble. Now if she is very open and already talking about sexual subjects with you then by all means bring up the topic of spanking and see where it goes. However for most people this will probably not be the case, and you should test her in the most innocent ways possible.
A few ways to test is by bringing the subject up in normal conversation without making it obvious you are talking about something sexual. It’s important that you be careful here and not just blurt out something like, “So.. have you ever thought about getting spanked?”. This could have a very negative effect if it appears you are asking sexual questions early in the relationship, or before the relationship has even begun. It would be like asking if she likes to give blowjobs. She might just stand up and leave!
Instead, try to bring up the subject in a more indirect way or better yet, by letting her start the conversation. That way the heat is kind of taken off you in case something goes wrong. For example, girls will do naughty things from time to time, like swearing, gossiping, not picking up after herself, etc. The next time she does one of these acts, in a joking-serious tone say something like, “I can’t believe you just did that. You need a good spanking!”, and make sure you look at her while saying this! Look at her reaction, and watch carefully because many times it happens in a micro second. Did her expression change? Did she smile? A look of excitement? Shocked? Angry?
It is that initial reaction that might give you an idea if spanking is in your future with this person. If she gives you a genuine angry look, or reacts angrily by saying something like, “If a guy ever did that to me I would break his arm”, this is obviously not a good sign.
There are many other ways you can do the preliminary test, so try to use your imagination and come up with something in your own words that seems natural to you and not scripted.
Just don’t be too direct at first. Notice above I said, “You need a good spanking” and not, “I should give you a spanking”. Remember, you are speaking in general terms to play it safe at the moment.
Once you have gauged the reaction, you can decide to make that statement a little more direct next time. Just make sure to space out these “tests” and not fire off a dozen of these questions every day or she will probably think spanking is all you care about.
Open communication is key. Once you begin to feel comfortable with your partner, be open and share your thoughts and feelings with her, and in turn she should start sharing her feelings and thoughts with you. If you clam up about everything going on in your life, don’t be surprised if she does the same.
This will not help things later on. I’ve always considered communication the most important thing in a relationship. If you can’t communicate with each other effectively, the relationship is doomed to fail.
Lets move ahead now to where you are a little further into the relationship. I realize everyone moves at their own pace, so lets assume you have already had sex, possibly multiple times, at this point. This is the time to introduce spanking.. SLOWLY! I don’t want to put a lot of pressure on you right now, but how you approach this could make the difference between success or horrible failure.
Ideally it would be best if you are both talking openly about sexual subjects at this point. She might have told you that she loves it when a man goes down on her, or that she enjoys having her ears nibbled on, breasts licked or gently bitten.. you know, stuff like that. Hell.. she might even tell you she likes to be tied up.
If that’s the case, there really shouldn’t be any problem with you mentioning things that you enjoy, and feel free to list spanking as one of them. Again, when you do this try to check her reaction to make sure you don’t see any negative signs.
However, if you are not openly talking about sexual subjects because one or both of you are a little shy, don’t worry, just remember the golden rule above.
Take it SLOW!
This is not a time to rush things, because if you do you could potentially turn her off spanking.. and possibly for good. Once a person has had a bad experience with something, they are usually very reluctant to try it again.
I know this will require a lot of restraint for many of you, especially if you have never spanked a woman before, but please listen to me when I say take it slow and easy especially the first couple times. If you really want to play it safe, start off by giving her a few gentle swats during sex.
A light slap on the behind during doggy style sex is perfect for this. That way your hand coming in contact with her bottom will not be a frightening thing for her. Remember to keep it light at this stage, unless of course she enjoys it and orders you to smack her behind harder! If this happens, great, but try not to go overboard.
When the time feels right to try something a little more like a traditional spanking, instead of a few smacks like we mentioned earlier, use your best judgment and make sure she is comfortable the whole time. You never want her to feel uneasy or scared of the experience.
The first time you try the traditional spanking don’t make a big production out of it. It’s best if you are both in bed and you gently lay her over your lap. Don’t act like a pro and try to set up the famous red, yellow, and green safe words at this point. Just have her tell you if it’s too hard or hurts too much.
I can’t stress how important it is to not screw this up. If you start spanking her like a maniac you could quickly turn her off spanking forever, and no amount of begging or pleading will make her change her mind.
Remember, whenever in doubt go easy and go slow.
You may notice when you put her over your lap the first time, and subsequent times as well, that she will probably have a big smile or grin on her face. Don’t take this as a sign that everything is OK and go ballistic on her behind. Women will often do this when they are a little nervous or embarrassed so it is your job to make sure she is comfortable every step of the way.
It’s always better to go easy at first, and let her tell you it’s alright to spank a little harder, compared to spanking her too hard and have her tell you to stop. Everyone has a different tolerance to pain, and that’s why you are taking it easy right now and finding what her comfort level is. Don’t be nervous or afraid. One smack that is too hard will not ruin everything, although many in a row while ignoring her pleas to stop very well could.
Women are not delicate little china dolls like some men think. Most can take way more pain then you ever could. But with that said, just because she can handle the pain doesn’t mean she is enjoying herself, and that’s why it is really important to keep the first couple spankings on the light side. And as I’ve said many times already, use your best judgment.
Things could go way faster then what I’m describing, or they could actually go much slower. Remember the main goal is to make sure she is happy and comfortable. Do this and you will most likely be able to spank her again.. and hopefully again again and again!
One other thing definitely worth mentioning is the use of implements, like a hairbrush, paddle, belt, cane.. you get the idea. Don’t use any of them! Again, take it slow. As things progress you can always try to incorporate something new later on as long as you talk to her about it first, and she is OK with it, but don’t rush things.
If you go from giving her a light hand spanking one night to six stinging strokes of the cane the next night, you risk blowing everything. Again, once you turn someone off it is very difficult or impossible to turn them back on again.
The same applies to positions. Don’t put a woman in a humiliating position at the very beginning. Some may be cool with it, but it’s better to simply put her over your lap while in bed the first couple times compared to getting out a chair and placing her over your knee.
Making a big production out of things could make her nervous and uncomfortable, which we don’t want to do.
See how things go first, and later when she is ready you can suggest other ideas.
Now is a good time to sum up a few do’s and dont’s when it comes to giving your partner their first spanking.
Make sure she is comfortable
Use your hand
Listen to her
Use an implement
Spank too hard
Spank too fast
Put her in an embarrassing position
Assuming all has gone well up to this point, for future sessions you can begin to experiment by spanking her a little harder and longer then before, and possibly trying new positions.. this of course is all under the conditon that she is cool with it.
Don’t try to talk her into something that she doesn’t seem ready to try.
Some women enjoy roleplay. If this is the case, the possibilities have greatly expanded.
Explore roles such as the naughty secretary and the boss, or school girl and teacher, slave and master, you get the idea.
While a woman is in a role she is usually more open to try new things, and she will be having fun at the same time.
I’m sure many of you will be thinking that I have been way too cautous for this guide, and even some who have had succesful spanking relationships will say they didn’t have to take things as slow with their partner.
This may be true but I have always found it best to err on the side of caution, then to take things too fast and ruin it, then sit back and complain that there are no women out there that like to be spanked.
This guide is not some magical way to turn every woman you meet into a spanko, but more of a way to have the average woman at least be willing to participate.
Look at it the same as riding a bike. If someone hasn’t riden a bike before, you don’t bring them to the steepest hill and then push them down it. They will probably crash and the next time you mention learning how to ride a bike again, they will probably not be interested for some strange reason.
On the flip side, by just mentioning the word spanking to your new girlfriend she might throw herself over your knee and say how she has been a very naughty girl!
If things move a lot faster then what I have described in this guide, then by all means, go with the flow.
But if they don’t or she seems a little hesitant, it’s always best to take your time and not rush things. If by playing it safe equals years of a happy spanking relationship, isn’t it worth it?
The main thing to keep in mind is that it’s not impossible to find a partner that you can enjoy spanking with, and you don’t have to go looking under every rock to find her. She may already be right before your eyes.